oh my god what have i done.
this is the familiar refrain when i ask myself the simple question
"Why?"
and i really don't have any kind of answer that  anyone would like to hear, least of all me.
(but) i really could use some more beer.
why do i live each day full of regret? why can i not resist being downright mean and hateful to myself? inquiring minds want to know how many licks to make me come.
and how the fuck do i plan on dealing with the current situation i've gotten myself into.
it's not so much of "why" thing at this stage for me as so much of a "how" thing.
but "why" would either make it or break it for me...and i've always been cautious when gambling. except when things glow red. red, red red. red rum, baby, it's the ambrosia of the god's but man does not live by bread and fuck alone. 
now to go into domestic mode and try to be unobtrusive.
sooner or later, something must give. 
it will probably be my stomach.

Ever wonder about the hidden pathways inside ourselves?
The left and right hemispheres of the brain, the conscious and the subconscious, the super ego and the id...always at odds it would seem, yet somehow they try to communicate with each other, sending urgent messages through the mysterious wall of shadow known as the corpus callosum.
This song is currently stuck in my head...

"If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender
Dislocate "

I don't have a radio in my truck but find myself singing along, sometimes with undo excessive emotion.The Texas DPS driving manual says to avoid strong emotions while operating a motor vehicle.
I can understand why. It's hard to see the road with tears streaming out of your eyes and the sound of your own voice screaming the words to some inane pop song from when you were still but young but didn't know what that even means....The lines on the road blurring into the rain on the highway.
The song, in case you were wondering or didn't know what the name of it was, it's called "Bad" by U2.

"If I could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame "

I wonder why (it is) this song so much...once, about a decade or so ago, I remember singing it in a dream.that happens sometimes, it'll be somewhere where we all meet, a school or a party or a city that really doesn't have any boundaries, it's about a 4 hour ride in the back of a pick up truck hitchhiking from Houston to Chicago and the subway goes to Detroit and then right before i'm about to board the plane for L.A... for some reason I find myself singing...and wake knowing the words to songs I normally just kind of hum and rock along to in daylight but in the dreamtime it's like verse for verse and the craziest part is that is this very song that pops up more often than not..

"If I, could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day "

But lately I've been singing it awake in my truck as I wander about searching for treasure. You have to sift through a lot of dirt to find a diamond...or squeeze a lump of coal very hard for a very long time. And who has the strength or time for that? Superman, maybe. But he died. Along with all my other heroes. This is my new mantra:

"To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so fade away "

Chest wracking from incantations of pain, little sobs like desert winds turning dry heaves, the words mange to come out :

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Let it go

and in the words herein lies the secret: behind the eyes golden

"And so fade away
To let it go
And so fade away
To let it go
And so to fade away"

The next part is where I start going off the rails screaming at the top of my lungs...°

"I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no "

...And then it's over, the fugue has stopped and all is still for a while.
Thanks for stopping by and listen to my self analysis. I hope to hear from you soon.
More laters, i promise.

bonus question:
Have you ever sang or heard music in a dream?

The level of political viciousness here in America has reached the point of taking human life.
Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords has been shot along with 11 other people while holding a public meeting outside a local Safeway grocery store in Tuscon. Six people, including a 9 year old girl, are dead.
Arizona has  recently become the flash point of violent rhetoric from the Tea Party, leading to a pressure cooker environment with no safety release valve which has now exploded in murder.
The shooter has been described as mentally unstable and may have had an accomplice, described as white male 40-45 years old at the event who was associated with the shooter. Police are still searching for answers.
So far, the media angle is the killings were the result of divisive political speech and vitriol without actually pointing any fingers or naming names...but we are now talking about yelling fire in a theater and throwing red meat to wild dogs. Blame should laid firmly at the primary accessories to this murder...Sarah Palin and the Tea Party.
Here is a graphic from Palin's website:

from the Associated Press:
""The sheriff blamed the vitriolic political rhetoric that has consumed the country, much of it occurring in Arizona.
Giffords had expressed similar concern, even before the shooting. In an interview after her office was vandalized, she referred to the animosity against her by conservatives, including Sarah Palin's decision to list Giffords' seat as one of the top "targets" in the midterm elections.
"For example, we're on Sarah Palin's targeted list, but the thing is, that the way that she has it depicted has the crosshairs of a gun sight over our district. When people do that, they have to realize that there are consequences to that action," Giffords said in an interview.

In the hours after the shooting, Palin issued a statement in which she expressed her "sincere condolences" to the family of Giffords and the other victims.""

Crocodile tears, baby.
Or maybe she really is crying because she knows now that NO WAY IN HELL WILL SARAH PALIN EVER BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
This will be the Albatross that hangs around her neck for the rest of her political career.
Hopefully something good will come from this sad tragedy, perhaps a return to a less hateful, more civilized public discourse.
I pray that God bless the families of the victims and removes their sorrows... and for our great nation, as well.

edit:
 Christine Green, the little girl who was killed in the attack, was born on September 11th, 2001 and was featured in the book  Faces of Hope, Babies Born on 9/11 by Christine Naman, dedicated to all the mothers who gave birth and to their babies born on the day the World Trade Towers in New York City were taken down by an act of terrorism.
A talented girl, Christina Green participated in many activities, ranging from ballet to baseball and had just received her first Holy Communion at St. Odilia's Catholic Church in Tucson.
Christina's page in Faces of Hope reads:

"I hope you know all the words to the Star Spangled Banner and sing it with your hand over your heart. I hope you jump in rain puddles."

In an unbelievably ugly  twist to an already horrific tragedy, The Westboro `Baptist Church` led by Fred Phelps, of Topeka, Kansas has stated that it intends to picket the funerals of the victims, much as it has done in the past at the funerals of U.S. soldiers returning home for burial.
Is there no decency anymore? Where did this country go so wrong?
Here is a release from WBC website:

-snip-
THANK GOD FOR THE
SHOOTER-6 DEAD!
WBC WILL PICKET THEIR
FUNERALS!
Shooter Jared Lee Laughner opened fire at a Tucson, AZ
grocery store at a political rally—shot 18, including
Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords; killing 6, including
federal Judge John M. Roll.
God appointed this rod for your sins! God sent the shooter!
This hateful nation unleashed violent veterans on the servants of God at
WBC—hoping to silence our kind warning to obey God and flee the
wrath to come. Your soldiers & fellow citizens are dying for your sins!
God sent the shooter to shoot you! And He’s sitting in Heaven
laughing at you! Your federal judge is dead and your (fag-promoting,
baby-killing, proud-sinner) Congresswoman fights for her life. God is
avenging Himself on this rebellious house! WBC prays for your
destruction—more shooters, more dead carcasses piling up, young, old,
leader and commoner—all. Your doom is upon you! Praise His Name!
THANK GOD FOR HIS
RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENTS
-snip-

...and so we reach the end of the lines of responsibility and free speech.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sarah Plain recently accused Julian Assange of being a terrorist, that the leaked words on his website had cost lives.
Well, perhaps she should take one long hard look in the mirror.

i've been trying out other operating systems...installed the new Ubuntu on my family's computer in Texas City, my uncle liked it a lot better once i had it running for him- he doesn't use it much and hates all the bullshit spyware that comes with windows... i got the "restricted" (non -open source code) drivers for the video and mp3 playback and we kicked back and watched an episode of outer limits - "The Sand Kings" on Hulu.com ...Ubuntu had made computing fun again.
Ubuntu can be challenging to set up, but the latest release was fairly painless once i got windows to let the wubi installer run. (wubi allows Ubuntu to run alongside Microsoft Windows with a choice of OS at boot)
it's a great looking operating system, too.
most of the time it's pretty easy to get new software and do the same stuff i'm already used to doing in windows...the latest version, Lucid Lynx, is pretty  slick and smooth interface and installing new apps is fairly straight forward.
-unfortunately, i can't run the latest, new and improved Ubuntu on the machine here at home ( not enough ram, an all-too-sadly common ailment) so i use an older version ( hardy heron v8.04) that likes to keeps asking me all the time if i am root. just who the fuck is sudo, and why is he/she so obsessed with my root? how the fuck would i know? and if i was, why the fuck be asking me in the first place? Ubuntu, why won't you just love me the way i am as your name implies?
Ubuntu loosely translates as "goodwill to mankind".
here is a shot of me current Ubuntu desktop:
 

next i share the hotly awaited results of my Android OS experiment on the desktop....that's right, the  google smart phone operating system on a desktop pc....i can tell you're excited.
really, i can.

More Wikileaks Revealed!

...This time from our good buddy to the frozen north. What's that you say, eh?
Canadian T.V harboring anti-American attitudes? Take off, you hoser!
This is serious stuff. When we portray Canadians on American television, it's usually done in a laughable, affable sort of way...lumberjacks and maple syrup...you see, American perception of Canada is primarily influenced by the movie, "Strange Brew".
It would seem, regrettably, that the reverse perception is not in a similar fashion. Instead, Americans are often seen as sneaky, menacing, and warlike in Canadian TV shows... wonder where they got that from? Why are those crazy Canucks making tv shows where we are the bad guys? WTF?
America is never the bad guy, ever. We don't do bad stuff. We just don't. Honest.
Something must be done. Our national bling-bling image is on the line.
Fortunately, the American State Dept. is on the job. I can rest much easier knowing that my tax dollars are being well spent to safeguard our way of life, the English speaking world and the very existence of Democracy itself.
God bless America.
Canada, too.

Here below is the redacted cable in question:

xxxxxxxxxx

Z JAN 08

FM AMEMBASSY OTTAWA
TO RUEHC/SECSTATE WASHDC 7209
INFO RUCNCAN/ALL CANADIAN POSTS COLLECTIVE

SIPDIS
SENSITIVE
SIPDIS

SUBJECT: PRIMETIME IMAGES OF US-CANADA BORDER PAINT U.S. IN
INCREASINGLY NEGATIVE LIGHT

OTTAWA 00000136  001.2 OF 003

¶1. (SBU) Summary: The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC)
has long gone to great pains to highlight the distinction
between Americans and Canadians in its programming, generally
at our expense. However, the level of anti-American melodrama
has been given a huge boost in the current television season
as a number of programs offer Canadian viewers their fill of
nefarious American officials carrying out equally nefarious
deeds in Canada while Canadian officials either oppose them
or fall trying.  CIA rendition flights, schemes to steal
Canada's water, "the Guantanamo-Syria express," F-16's flying
in for bombing runs in Quebec to eliminate escaped
terrorists:  in response to the onslaught, one media
commentator concluded, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, that
"apparently, our immigration department's real enemies aren't
terrorists or smugglers -- they're Americans."  While this
situation hardly constitutes a public diplomacy crisis per
se, the degree of comfort with which Canadian broadcast
entities, including those financed by Canadian tax dollars,
twist current events to feed long-standing negative images of
the U.S. -- and the extent to which the Canadian public seems
willing to indulge in the feast - is noteworthy as an
indication of the kind of insidious negative popular
stereotyping we are increasingly up against in Canada.  End
Summary.

"THE BORDER" -CANADA'S ANSWER TO 24, W/O THAT SUTHERLAND GUY
--------------------------------------------- ---------------

¶2. (SBU) When American TV and movie producers want action,
the formula involves Middle Eastern terrorists, a ticking
nuclear device, and a (somewhat ironically, Canadian) guy
named Sutherland.  Canadian producers don't need to look so
far -- they can find all the action they need right on the
U.S.-Canadian border.  This piece of real estate, which most
Americans associate with snow blowing back and forth across
an imaginary line, has for the past three weeks been for
Canadian viewers the site of downed rendition flights, F-16
bombing runs, and terrorist suspects being whisked away to
Middle Eastern torture facilities. "The Border," which
state-owned CBC premiered on January 7, attracted an
impressive 710,000 viewers on its first showing -- not
exactly Hockey Night in Canada, but equivalent to an American
program drawing about eight million U.S. viewers.  The show
depicts Canadian immigration and customs officers' efforts to
secure the U.S.-Canadian border and the litany of moral
dilemmas they face in doing so.  The CBC bills the
high-budget program as depicting the "new war" on the border
and "the few who fight it."  While the "war" is supposed to
be against criminals and terrorists trying to cross the
border, many of the immigration team's battles end up being
with U.S. government officials, often in tandem with the
CIA-colluding Canadian Security and Intelligence Service
(CSIS).

¶3. (SBU) The clash between the Americans and Canadians got
started early in the season and has continued unabated.  In
episode one a Syrian terrorist with a belt full of gel-based
explosives is removed from a plane in Canada while the
Canadian-Syrian man sitting next to him is rendered by the
CIA/CSIS team to Syria -- a fairly transparent reference to
QCIA/CSIS team to Syria -- a fairly transparent reference to
the Maher Arar case.  Fortunately for the incarcerated
individual, the sympathetic Canadian Immigration and Customs
Security official recognizes the mistake and shrewdly causes
the government to rescue him from a Syrian jail through
organized media pressure.  The episode ends with a preview of
things to come when one of the Canadian immigration officers
notes with disgust, "Homeland Security is sending in some hot
shot agent."

¶4. (SBU) Episode two expands on this theme, featuring the
arrival of an arrogant, albeit stunningly attractive female
DHS officer, sort of a cross between Salma Hayek and Cruella
De Vil.  The show portrays the DHS official bossing around
her stereotypically more compassionate Canadian colleagues
while uttering such classic lines as, "Who do you think
provides the muscle to protect your fine ideals?" and "You
would have killed him.  Let the American justice system do it
for you."  Her fallback line in most situations is "it's a
matter of national security."

¶5. (SBU) But the one-liners and cross-border stereotypes
really take off in episode three, in which an American
rendition aircraft with three terrorist suspects on the
"Guantanamo to Syria express" crashes in Quebec and the
terrorists escape -- however, not before killing a Quebec
police officer, whose sympathetic widow appears throughout
the show.  The DHS officer's answer to everything is American
firepower, but in this episode even CSIS gets a chance at
redemption as the CSIS officer in charge challenges her. Ms.
DHS barks back, "You really want to talk territorial
sovereignty, or should we talk about getting the terrorists
back?"  After being chased through the woods of Quebec by a
cross-culturally balanced CSIS-JTF2 team which kills a
15-year-old terrorist in a shootout, the bad guys are finally
cornered on the side of a pristine Canadian lake.  Then,
after a conversation with Washington in which she asks "can
you bypass NSA and State?", our DHS official calls in an
air-strike on the terrorists without Canadian concurrence.
Canadian planes, another official has explained, are "already
deployed to Afghanistan, helping our neighbors fight their
war on terror."  With only seconds to spare before the bombs
are dropped on the Quebec site, the planes are called off
when the CSIS-JTF team affirms positive control over the
terrorists.  Finally, in a last-minute allowance for
redemption, the CSIS officer informs his DHS colleague that
the captured terrorists will not be turned over to the U.S.
but will stand trial for the death of the Quebec police
officer.  She does get the final word, though, hissing the
classic phrase "you people are so nave," before the screen
goes blank.

DEA ALSO TAKES SOME HITS
------------------------

¶6. (SBU) If that isn't enough, "the Border" is only one of
the CBC programs featuring cross-border relations.
"Intelligence," which depicts a Canadian intelligence unit
collaborating with a local drug lord-turned government
informant, is just as stinging in its portrayal of
U.S.-Canada law enforcement cooperation.  Through its two
seasons, the program has followed plot lines including a DEA
attempt to frame the Canadian informant for murder, a CIA
plot to secretly divert Canadian water to the American
southwest, and a rogue DEA team that actually starts selling
drugs for a profit.  A columnist in conservative Canadian
daily newspaper "The National Post" commented, "There's no
question that the CSIS heroes on 'Intelligence' consider the
Americans our most dangerous enemies."

EVEN THE LITTLE MOSQUE GETS IN TO THE ACT
-----------------------------------------

¶7. (U) Even "Little Mosque on the Prairie," a popular
Canadian sitcom that depicts a Muslim community in a small
Saskatchewan town, has joined the trend of featuring
U.S.-Canada border relations.  This time, however, the State
Department is the fall guy.  A December 2007 episode
portrayed a Muslim economics professor trying to remove his
name from the No-Fly-List at a U.S. consulate.  The show
depicts a rude and eccentric U.S. consular officer
stereotypically attempting to find any excuse to avoid being
helpful.  Another episode depicted how an innocent trip
across the border became a jumble of frayed nerves as Grandpa
was scurried into secondary by U.S. border officials because
his name matched something on the watch list.
Qhis name matched something on the watch list.

GIVE US YOUR WATER; OH WHAT THE HECK WE'LL TAKE YOUR COUNTRY
TOO
--------------------------------------------- ----

¶8. (U) And it appears that the season is just warming up.
After CIA renditions, DEA murder plots, DHS missteps, and
unhelpful consular officers, a U.S. takeover of Canada may
have been the only theme left for the CBC "H20" mini-series.
The series was first broadcast in 2005, when it featured an
investigation into an American assassination of the Canadian
prime minister and a very broad-based (and wildly
implausible) U.S. scheme to steal Canadian water.  A two-part
sequel, set to be broadcast in March and April 2008, will
portray the United States as manipulating innocent, trusting
Canadians into voting in favor of Canada's becoming part of
the United States.  Then, after the United States completely
takes over Canada, one brave Canadian unites Canadians and
Europeans in an attempt to end America's hegemony.  Another
program could prove more benign but will certainly include
its share of digs against all things American:  Global TV
reportedly is gearing up for a March 2008 debut of its own
border security drama, set to feature Canadian
search-and-rescue officers patrolling the U.S.-Canada border.

COMMENT
-------

¶9. (SBU) EKOS pollster Frank Graves told Poloff he thought
that at this point such shows are reflective and not causal
in determining attitudes in Canada.  They play on the
deep-seated caution most Canadians feel toward their large
neighbor to the south, a sort of zeitgeist that has been in
the background for decades.  As one example, a December 2007
Strategic Counsel poll showed that nine percent of Canadians
thought U.S. foreign policy was the greatest threat to the
world -- twice as high as those who were concerned about
weapons of mass destruction.  What Graves does find
disturbing -- and here he believes that the causal or
reflective question is not important -- is that support for a
less porous border is increasing in both Canada and the U.S.:
in the U.S. because of generalized fear of terrorism and in
Canada because of concern over guns, sovereignty, and the
impact that a terrorist attack on the U.S. would have on
trade.  Graves has detected an increasingly wary attitude
over the border that he believes could lead to greater
distance between the two countries.

¶10. (SBU) While there is no single answer to this trend, it
does serve to demonstrate the importance of constant
creative, and adequately-funded public-diplomacy engagement
with Canadians, at all levels and in virtually all parts of
the country.  We need to do everything we can to make it more
difficult for Canadians to fall into the trap of seeing all
U.S. policies as the result of nefarious faceless U.S.
bureaucrats anxious to squeeze their northern neighbor.
While there are those who may rate the need for USG
public-diplomacy programs as less vital in Canada than in
other nations because our societies are so much alike, we
clearly have real challenges here that simply must be
adequately addressed.

\\(xxxxxxxx)////





Currently Reading:
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see ya round, more l8rz i promise

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as some of may know, i make my living in scrap metal. most of the time it's boring stuff, old pieces of pipe and tin, washing machines, trash compactors, etc. anything made of metal. but there is also lots and lots of junk i wanna keep as well. most of it i pass on, some it i keep for personal use or senti-metal reasons, some of it i try to sell at garage sales or on craigslist.
here are some of my recent craigslist posts.


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1967 Armana Radarange - $99 (Mesquite)

The first ever home microwave! In beautiful condition, still works and cooks! Stainless chrome front panel, original glass plate inside. Made with fine American craftsmanship.Own a piece of American history right in your kitchen!
"In 1967, Amana, a division of Raytheon, introduced its domestic Radarange microwave oven, marking the beginning of the use of microwave ovens in home kitchens.The concept of quick microwave cooking had arrived."

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Budweiser Blimp Hanging Light - $100 (Mesquite)

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Bizarre Dental Training Set - $25 (mesquite)

*did you know you could feed a family of five for over year on just yard waste? i didn't either.